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What Do You SayMarch 18, 2005 I have this idea. I should clone myself and raise my clone like it were my own child. This came to me the other day when I was wondering, as I often do, how much skinnier I would be if I didn't eat so much chocolate. It's actually only a tiny bit every day, but I'm sure it adds up -- on my thighs, my waist, that jiggly part under my upper arms, under my chin -- you know, in all those places where it will flatter me least. The only problem with trying to figure out how much skinnier I would be if I didn't eat chocolate is that I'd have to stop eating chocolate. This is where the clone comes in. I can raise her to not eat chocolate. In fact, I can make her do all the things I myself can't do. Like, I would teach her Korean. That way she could tell me all the things my parents were saying to each other. I would also teach her Spanish and Italian so she could lead me around Argentina and Italy and help me pick up hot men. I would make her skip that period in my childhood when I read trashy novels with names like Caitlin (which was actually a set of three trilogies, so nine books in total), Kiss and Tell, and Flowers in the Attic. I would also find someone to cook her real food, instead of raising her on fast food, as I was raised. Actually, I would make her eat period, because from what I understand, I didn't eat anything except popsicles until I was nine. This is the way to answer the question of how much taller I would be if I had eaten when I was young, or if I had eaten better food. This is the question my mother ponders occasionally with tears in her eyes. I would teach her yoga from a young age so she would be calmer and less accident-prone. Then she wouldn’t end up in the ER every year for three years straight. I would NOT give her perms every three months from the age of nine to fourteen. All those things might very well make her a smarter, taller, skinnier, less beaten-up version of me. The only problem is, I think cloning is expensive. Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, there’s no way I’m going to donate to that cause, but think of it this way. If you normally drink a latte a day, you could save up the $3 you spend on that concoction and shore it up for a full year. That would be roughly $1,000 right there. But I’m not asking you to pay for all of it. You just need to do that for one year, and then when I tally up all the $1,000 checks coming to me from all my friends, I’ll probably have enough to get the clone. I’ll pay for all the expenses of raising her, of course, which shouldn’t be too expensive considering that I won’t be buying her chocolate almonds or dark truffle Terra Nostra bars or Baci or $3 spicy Mayan hot chocolate from Lunettes et Chocolat or Ferrerro Rocher or any of that other stuff that runs up my monthly bills. So, what do you say? ArchiveL.A. Favorites My Favorite Books Soup Opera Pixels and Polls Rituals of an Ex-New Yorker Sublime and Subpar: The New York vs. The L.A. Subway Many Me August 15, 2002 |
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